Of Holding On… Forgiveness… and Love
Earlier, my wife and I went over the topic of how my mother’s passing on exactly the eve of my birthday could’ve actually been more deliberate on her part rather than coincidental.
You see, my mom and I never really saw eye to eye on a lot of things. We’d disagree a lot of times.
A couple of weeks before she passed, there was a prodding from inside of me to talk to my mother about certain moments in our lives wherein our “less petty” disagreements have affected our relationship towards one another – to put some sense of definite closure on things. But her stubborn denial of her own sickness was a hurdle too difficult for me to overcome. She gets all worked up when I, together with my wife and kids surround her… she would normally say, “Ano ba kayo??? Wag niyo ako paligiran. Para naman akong mamamatay na sa itsura ninyo”. She would react defensively when sensing that things are getting too serious. Perhaps, it was her way of coping with her sickness… a means to shun the thought of coming to terms with what was inevitable.
I feared that if I spoke to her even in the slightest tone that would somewhat resemble reconciliation and forgiveness, she would freak out and push me away. She’s like that. And stressing her out with the kind of condition that she has was the last thing I’d want to do.
My mom and I are “ok”. I guess, there is that unspoken forgiveness that mothers always extend to their children no matter what circumstance. I’ve always sought comfort in that for as long as I can remember. But things are a bit different this time… I was looking for something more concrete – a sort of confirmation that things are really OK between me and my mother. It was something I was hoping to get before she leaves me.
But it was not to be.
Fast-forward to 1:00AM of August 7, 2012… the eve of my birthday. My phone rings, notifying me that I’ve got a text message from dad. It read, “Happy birthday, Chuck… I am sure your mom would want me to include her in greeting you on your special day. Your mom and I love you very much. God bless you always.”.
I replied, “Thank you, dad. Please kiss mom for me. Pakibulungan na lang siya na mahal ko siya… and please tell her to wait for me later. Diyan kami maghahanda ng pagkain para magcelebrate ng birthday ko kasama niya.” (Note that mom had requested weeks before to celebrate my birthday at their place with her choice of food).
Dad does exactly that. He whispers to mom’s ear and says, “Cyn, binati ko na si Chuck para sa ating dalawa ha. Birthday na niya. Sabi ni Chuck, I love you. Hintayin mo daw siya kasi dito siya maghahanda para sa birthday niya kasama mo.”
Mom nods in acknowledgement. After months of being in a fetal position (she breathes easier that way), she turns and lays on her back. Dad is surprised.
Two hours later (3:15AM), dad and their caretaker try to reposition mom… she doesn’t budge. No reaction. That’s when they realized…
Mom had passed.
My day of birth has become her day of death.
Out of all the days in a year… 365 days to be exact, my mother would pass away exactly on my birthday by chance? I think not. She held on. I’d like to believe so. To mark something significant.
To send me a message, perhaps.
To let me know that in spite of all the pain she was going through, she was still thinking of me. She held on until her last dying breath to show me by her actions what she couldn’t say in words.
That it was still me she was looking after… that I was more important than all her pain and suffering. A confirmation of her love for me and forgiveness for whatever hurt I may have caused her in the past.
Thank you for everything, mom. For all the love and laughter. For the wonderful memories.
For holding on.
Birthdays are meant to celebrate life. But from now on and for years to come, during my birthday, I choose not to celebrate my life.
I celebrate yours.
I love you, mom… and I miss you.
August 18, 2012 @ 5:37 PM
aww..cant help but cry, i am so touched by your blog… im sure your mom is watching over you in heaven and proud of u..
August 18, 2012 @ 5:42 PM
Thank you. I’m proud of her too. I hope she knows that.
August 18, 2012 @ 5:40 PM
i am sure your mom would be celebrating with you everytime your special day comes.
August 18, 2012 @ 5:43 PM
Yes. I know she’s right here beside me even if I don’t see her.
August 18, 2012 @ 5:50 PM
So heartfelt Chuck, I really feel your loss. This made me think about my relationship with my Mum, which is almost similar. Well I think this is a very common situation in relationships, especially between Mums and sons, i.e., have some ups and downs and just go down that path of “unspoken unsolicited forgiveness.” She’s definitely in a better place now bro.
August 18, 2012 @ 6:13 PM
Ey Jim… that’s true. But you still got yours and you can more than make up for whatever time you’ve lost or differences you’ve had. Don’t waste ’em. Funny how we all say that everything becomes more valuable once it’s gone… it’s true, isn’t it?
August 18, 2012 @ 6:41 PM
I felt your pain chuck. But I’m sure your mom knows how much you love her. I thought of my mom when I was reading this. We rarely see eye to eye as well, but when I was holding her hand when the doctors were trying to revive her, I knew that she was telling me that she loves me no matter what. It might be a while until we accept their passing but I’m sure they’re always there for us. Stay strong chuck. See you guys soon.
August 18, 2012 @ 7:07 PM
Hi Jenn. Yeah… I would’ve hoped for a better closure scenario but we play the cards dealt us and we carry on. Thanks for leaving a comment. See you soon. :)
August 18, 2012 @ 8:00 PM
Hi Chuck…I am so touched by your blog…I was crying… You’ve lost one person that would have love you unconditionally…Tita Cyn was one of the kindest and nicest people Ive ever known. I’ll never forget the time I first met her thru your place in Kawilihan compound=) that was 24 yrs ago=) she was so accommodating and very nice to me…I Know she’s in a better place… May God Bless and comfort you and your family at this time…
August 18, 2012 @ 8:10 PM
Amen. Salamat Jen. Yes, she’s in a better place now. I wouldn’t wish for her to come back and suffer that way again. God bless you and your family as well.
August 18, 2012 @ 8:00 PM
Bro, teary eyed from reading this. You are still very lucky to have been with your mom all these years as I lost mine when I was 8. I miss the days when we would spend days and nights at your house and I would hear your mom’s voice. I definitely know now that she is with my mom in heaven at nag-chichikahan na yon hehe. Take care bro and regards to your dad and more blessings to your family.
August 18, 2012 @ 8:13 PM
Bro… yeah! I remember all those days and nights we would hang out at my place and mom’s voice could be heard all over. She’d prepare food for us and make kwentuhan. Those were good times. Yes, our moms are probably together now talking about us. Hehehe… Regards to your wife and kids. Hope to see you soon when you fly in (or if we fly out). Blessings to you and yours.
August 21, 2012 @ 3:27 AM
Trying not to cry while reading this in the office. I know your mom went back to God happy and content knowing you are ok.
God bless you, Yen and the kids. Hope to see you guys again.
-Yashie
August 22, 2012 @ 11:26 AM
I had tears in my eyes … I could feel your pain, the letting go, and the ever slow moving on process.
August 26, 2012 @ 3:22 PM
wow.. this blog left me with tears.. every death they say really is not an end but a start of a new beginning.. moms i believe really have their ways of making their children feel that no matter what happens, they will always be loved..
im sure that youre mom is happy where she is now, and she is also proud of who you have become.. a man with a good heart, a good soul.
may her soul rest in peace :)
August 28, 2012 @ 5:58 PM
no words. just tears. stay strong.
August 30, 2012 @ 10:43 AM
Thanks for sharing Chuckie. This is indeed touching and at the same time a realization for most of us who still have mothers to love ’em and care for them more and more.
I liked it when you said that “there is that unspoken forgiveness that mothers always extend to their children no matter what circumstance” I agree.
As a child of your mother, you just feel it. No words have to be spoken.
Thanks again. Sometimes it’s not easy to verbalize your thoughts but you did.
August 30, 2012 @ 5:06 PM
Yes, it was very hard to put into words what I was feeling during that time. But I find writing to be very therapeutic. Glad to have touched you with this very honest and vulnerable post.
August 30, 2012 @ 3:35 PM
Hi. I cant help but cry. I favorited this page when you tweet it last aug22. And this is only the time I am able to read it. I cant help but cry. This is indeed touching. God bless you.
August 30, 2012 @ 4:59 PM
Thank you for reading it. It was difficult writing about it but the outlet was much needed. Hope you come back for my other posts. God bless you! :)